


In the shadow of your heart

by seratonation



Series: hc-bingo 2012 [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Arc Reactor, Community: hc_bingo, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Unwanted Transformation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-11 23:55:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seratonation/pseuds/seratonation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>When it was first put in he’d done everything he could to make sure it wasn't visible, but when it came to sleeping at night there was no escaping it.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the shadow of your heart

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine

The arc reactor was bright, there was no denying that. When it was first put in he’d done everything he could to make sure it wasn't visible, but when it came to sleeping at night there was no escaping it. It was too hot in all the layers and no matter how much he tried to keep the sheets pulled up, he always ended up uncovering it in the middle of the night. 

He got used to it eventually, but not many people did. He learned to not spend the night with anyone, not until Pepper, and she was only able to do it because she slept with an eye mask. 

Then there were the nightmares. He didn't have a lot of them anymore, not when compared to when he first got back and all that business with Obadiah. Now they were few and far between. 

But sometimes he would wake up gasping for air, baking hot between the sheets. Rarely, he would be too tired to do more than push the sheets aside and go back to sleep. More often though, he would get up and go to the workshop. 

In the turned up conditioning and flashing lights of the projector it was easy to forget the soft blue glow, the metal embedded in his chest. The alcohol made it a certainty. 

Tonight though, he was almost out of bed when Steve's hand reached out and grabbed his wrist. “Stay.”

Tony felt his throat closing up. He wanted to say he couldn't, that he needed some air, any excuse to get him up and walking out of the dark, but he took one look at Steve’s pleading eyes and lay back down. 

He was on his back, the arc reactor glowing through his threadbare singlet, only succeeding in making the shadows even darker. 

“Who is Yinsen?” Steve asked. 

Tony covered the reactor with his hands. “He’s the reason I’m still alive.”

“He’s the doctor who gave you the reactor,” Steve said, not really asking. When Coulson had finally pinned him down for a debriefing, Tony hadn’t given a name. 

“Yes,” he said, turning to face Steve.

“He died in the cave,” Tony said, brow furrowed, “he said he was joining his family.”

“That’s war, Tony,” Steve said, his voice filled with sympathy and Tony hated him, just a little.

“He called me the man who has everything and nothing.”

“He was your first-”

“We’re not- he was just a doctor,” Tony interrupted. This was an old fight, and Tony was not in the mood to go through it again. 

He pushed himself up and left before Steve could stop him again. 

***

Steve stared at the ceiling all of one minute before he got up. He splashed some water on his face, and padded to the kitchen first. 

“He’s in the workshop, Captain Rogers,” Jarvis said smoothly. 

“Thank you Jarvis,” Steve said, and made his way down the long corridor and then down the elevator.

He found Tony sitting behind the wheel of the Roadster, a half empty bottle in his hand, and the footage from their latest battle flickering on the projector screen.

He approached without a sound, opened the door to the passenger side and slid into the leather seat. He watched as the Avengers fought a new breed of alien robots. The sound was down low, but he could still make out the commentary of the newscaster, making it sound more like a sport than reality, or like a TV show. It was hard to believe this was only three days ago.

“I never wanted this,” Tony said quietly, “I should have died. I should have died a hundred times over.” 

“But you didn't,” Steve said, “that has to mean something.”

“I used to think so,” Tony said, looking away from the screen, at the bottle in his hands, his face lit in the soft blue glow, “I’m not so sure anymore.”

“Dont be stupid,” Steve said, “you’ve saved so many lives, so many-”

“But at what cost?” 

“What cost?” Steve repeated.

“Everything I do, every time I think I’m ahead of the game, someone always gets their hands on the technology, it will always fall into the wrong hands, hell, I’m not even sure if my hands are the right ones. I was supposed to die in the cave.”

“Don’t ever say that,” Steve said, putting a hand on Tony’s shoulder, squeezing hard enough to hurt but unable to control himself, “if you had-” but he couldn't bring himself to say it, “Stark Industries would have kept making weapons, it would have passed to Stane, millions more could have died-”

“You don't get it, millions could still die, one mistake, one slip up,” he turned to Steve, his eyes glassy, “SHIELD didn't even _want_ me, but they had no choice-”

“I have a choice,” Steve said, “and I’m here, and without it I’d probably still be in a small apartment refusing to leave except for missions, but I’m here, with you.”

Tony let out a snort of almost laughter. “ _Why_?” 

“Because I believe in you.”

“That’s a mistake right there,” Tony said, “big mistake.”

Steve moved closer, until he could wrap an arm around Tony, pull him close. “Then that’s my mistake to make.”

Tony let himself relax against Steve, and Steve was glad for that small concession. He reached for the bottle and took a drink. The alcohol burned on it’s way down and he tried not to cough. 

“I thought you can’t get drunk,” Tony said.

“I can’t,” Steve said, “but if I drink it then you won’t.”

Tony sighed. “You don't have to do that,” he said, “let’s go to bed.”

Steve put the bottle down and let Tony lead him out of the car and back to their room. They slipped between the now cold sheets but neither of them closed their eyes for a very long time. 

***

Tony still has nightmares. He doesn't think he’ll ever stop, but these days when he wakes up he finds Steve watching him. 

Before he has a chance to calm down, to get his heart to slow down, Steve would reach out and touch the closest part of Tony; a shoulder, a cheek, a hand. He would pull him closer and wrap himself around Tony’s body. 

With the soft blue light pressed between them, dimmed to almost darkness and Steve’s strong arms around him it was easy to remember the present. It was easy to think it will be okay and almost believe it.


End file.
